Microsoft to buy GitHub... here's how they'll destroy it.

In a way, I kind of feel bad for everyone who works at Microsoft. It’s a zombie corporation. Dead, yet still somehow animated.

Today Microsoft is completely irrelevant in the technology world, by my estimation. They no longer innovate and have been totally left behind.

Their products offer nothing new: Office365 is a mere rebranding of Google Docs, Xbox One is a mismanaged hardware clone of the PlayStation 4, and Windows 10 is a Frankenstein's monster of desperately copied features from other, more well-received platforms… and, oh right, Microsoft doesn’t care about it anymore.

So when I heard that they wanted to buy GitHub, I kinda chuckled… then got a smidge worried.

Say what you will about GitHub… (and I know some of you are fairly critical of their platform...) but it has become a huge part of the software development landscape. Especially given that it’s a convenient web frontend for managing your software projects.

GitHub’s founder and CEO Chris Wanstrath announced his resignation in August and the company has been unable to fill the position, since. Mounting pressure and a high executive turnover has led Microsoft to open serious talks with the company over the possibility of acquisition. There are also rumors that Xamarin founder and Microsoft executive Nat Friedman might be a contender for the CEO job. Interestingly, Friedman currently helms Microsoft’s development tools division.

It’s unknown whether the talks are still ongoing, or if Microsoft is willing to pay the rumoured (and frankly obscene) 5 billion dollar pricetag for GitHub.

Update: Bloomberg reports that Microsoft has agreed to buy GitHub. No details yet, though they're expected to make the announcement as soon as today.

So, that’s what we know. And, now I want to take a second and explore some of the wildly successful acquisitions from Microsoft’s past in order to, uh… understand what a GitHub owned by Microsoft would look like? (Really, it’s just to make fun of Microsoft)

First, and the one that still stings the most...

Rare

A company with a nearly unmatched portfolio of outstanding games that, since their acquisition by Microsoft, haven’t released a quality anything. And Microsoft has fully squandered the intellectual (quote) “property” that came along with their buyout. Banjo-Kazooie? Nada. Conker? Nope. Perfect Dark. Don’t remind me.

Skype

A VoiP and video chat client that, Microsoft bought and subsequently mutilated. What was once an independent, decentralized peer-to-peer technology was transformed into a centralized and Microsoft-owned network. Not to mention, the client has all the hallmarks of a Microsoft user interface. Messy, befuddled, and lacking any cohesion.

Nokia

A company that Microsoft bought for 7.6 billion dollars (which, fun fact, is an unfathomably disgusting number of dollars). Less than two years later, they wrote off the majority of that 7.6 billion as a an ‘impairment’ (which is moneycult speak for ‘mistake’), oh yeah, and then they fired 7,800 people in their ‘devices’ division. But at least they got all them sweet, sweet patents.

LinkedIn

Raise your hand if you believe LinkedIn is a relevant, contemporary social network. Nobody? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Yeah. In 2016, Microsoft bought LinkedIn for $26.2 billion dollars. Wait a minute, what? [Check piece of paper… $26.2 billion on piece of paper]. Yeah. $26.2 billion [gag] dollars. Wow. Okay. Gonna go to hell now. So, what has Microsoft done with LinkedIn as a part of its portfolio? Like… nothing.

Honorable mention

Mojang

The creator of Minecraft and nothing else, Microsoft bought Mojang for $2.6 billion, and what have they done with it? They made the Windows 10 edition of Minecraft. And that’s it.

So I think the lesson we’ve learned is this: Microsoft are a corporation without a cause or a purpose. They exist for literally no reason, acquire technology in order to build inferior versions of said products, and they are actually a drain on innovation, creativity, and speech.

So what would a GitHub owned by Microsoft look like? Bob. Microsoft Bob.

So that’s just what I think, but I want to know what's on your mind. Let me know how you feel about a possible GitHub merger on Twitter @TheLinuxGamer.