2018 Tech News Bingo

Elon Musk debuts a new Tesla vehicle.

Instead of break and accelerator pedals, the floor of the vehicle is a treadmill. People call Musk a genius when he really just copied the Flintstones.

The price of Bitcoin will reach an unprecedented $140,000 per coin.

The cost of a single Bitcoin transaction will be around $139,999.

Linux reaches 6% market share according to browser useragent rankings.

Grumpy Linux users everywhere mutter something about how "market share doesn't matter."

Disney announces plans to acquire Canonical.

"The Ubuntu Movie" is released to theaters starring Seth Rogen as an anthropomorphized Ubuntu logo—becomes part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

System76's Pop!_OS sees major adoption.

No joke here, I'd just like to see them succeed.

Kernel developers patch a half-decade-old exploit found in the kernel.

Said exploit mysteriously appeared in a commit by an unknown developer and seems intentional. It was merged because it didn't break userspace.

Apple announces they plan to artificially brick "retire" all iPhone 6-era devices, will un-brick them for $199.

Their customers applaud the move as 'courageous' and justify the plan as 'protecting' both consumers and the environment.

Net Neutrality continues to make headlines as Verizon and Comcast push for greater control over what you see online.

Verizon starts to 'unlock' websites with lootboxes that cost $2.94 a piece. Each lootbox unlocks a single, random website.

Microsoft pushes a Windows 10 update disabling EXEs and MSI files to all users.

Microsoft will hold a ransom of $9.95 in order to install software outside of the Windows Store.

YouTube demonitization issues continue to worsen.

YouTube discriminates against FOSS content because advertisers are scared of the word 'free.'

A game on Steam will be discovered to contain software that acts suspiciously like spyware.

Valve won't take action until it starts to hurt their bottom line. Fans of the game defend the inclusion of the spyware, SWAT people critical of the dev.

Facebook will acquire Twitter for 1 billion dollars.

Suddenly, even less of your Twitter feed is relevant to your interests.

Steam continues getting worse
(Free Space)

Steam Direct continues to pollute the storefront with filth and bile. Valve keeps making money and don't care at all.

Security researchers find dangerous IME 'bug.'

NSA leak reveals it's not a bug, it's a feature.

Gardiner finds a stable release of KDenLive and doesn't upgrade it for the rest of the year.

This isn't so much a prediction as it is hope blinding me to reality.

A leaked internal memo from a large tech firm outs the existence of a clandestine Silicon Valley fraternity and many of its members.

Fraternity? More like Satanic Sex Cult. It's called The Glass Ceiling, members include:
  • Grand Nagus Bezos
  • Liquidator Sean Rad
  • DaiMon Kalanick

Hardware enthusiasts get more than they bargained for as they upgrade to Nvidia's latest GPU.

A defect in the GPU's manufacturing process burns a permanent, faint image of what looks like a naked man into the frame buffer.

A large bank starts to admonish against the use of their credit cards after a massive data breach. They recommend using cash instead.

Unfortunately, the bank refuses to let people withdraw their money and begins issuing their own cryptocurrency in its place. Their stock price soars.

An AI makes headlines as it's trained using publicly available Facebook data.

After gaining sentience, the only answers it gives when asked a question are Whataboutisms, links to Alex Jones videos, or cat memes.

Bucking the trend of privacy-invasion, a social media site makes waves as a decentralized 'forgetful' network.

Its main selling point: it uses blockchain technology to expire posts and make them forever unreadable. Its IPO does well since it uses 'blockchain.'

A Russian hacker collective uses a botnet to influence American CEOs.

After hearing this, the CEOs start to realize that they're really just human beings in fancy suits.

A whistle-blower at Amazon reveals that Echo devices are being used to ultrasonically map your activities.

This data feeds a marketing algorithm that's used to sell you more laundry detergent, among other things..

The channel will gain 20,000+ subscribers in 2018.

Due to a series of videos simply titled "Clickbait, Linux, and You!"

Apple uses their proprietary AR tech to have an 'AR hologram' Steve Jobs unveil their new product line.

"Oh, and one more thing..." iPhone X users who attend the event get the exclusive Steve Jobs animoji for only $4.99.

Microsoft releases a new Windows 10 update that installs software onto existing Linux partitions.

This software can break out of a VM environment and it's purpose is simple; it advertises Azure, Office 365, and OneDrive.